In my last post, I shared my recent emotional roller coaster. I honestly thought that was as low as I could get… until I was in tears on a bus desperately praying that my Dad was going to be okay. He hadn’t been well since getting his flu jab and his booster, so when 4 weeks later he messages me saying he can’t get a Doctor’s appointment, he’s lost his voice and he’s coughing so much he had chest pains and couldn’t keep food down… well my mind just went straight to thinking I was going to lose my Dad and I was a wreck.
Thankfully I was able to talk to a Doctor and he told me to call an ambulance. The paramedics checked him over and, while he had a really bad chest infection, he was going to be okay. But it all just highlighted to me how much my Dad needs taken care of; another plate for me to spin. All areas of my life fell in on themselves, and I hit rock bottom.
I had been holding it together, just barely. I was still adjusting to having a new baby and then the emotional toll of my Mum’s passing. Then we all got ill over Christmas. And to be hit with another emotional cannon ball just sent me over the edge. We’re now 3 weeks on, and I’m only just getting back on my feet.
I’ve been struggling to keep on top of even basic personal care tasks, barely doing more than brushing my teeth and changing my clothes each day; losing track of when I’d last showered. With that comes the guilt of not keeping up the projects and challenges I set, not keeping my word, again. And then I feel stupid for feeling guilty because posting makeup looks to Instagram is so not important right now but in terms of trying to establish myself as a reliable content creator, it is.
My biggest hurdle right now is getting my energy levels stabilised and getting back into a routine, which is easier said than done. My baby’s routine will change every few weeks anyway, that’s just what babies do. The older 2 can be nudged into a routine but if I’m not keeping on top of it my partner won’t do it for me and the whole thing becomes a wasted effort. My partner doesn’t seem to have a routine, and will often zone out watching a show. So if I’ve accidentally fallen asleep (cos your girl is exhausted) I’ll wake to find he hasn’t realised the time; suddenly it’s too late for baths and the litter tray needs to be done, and the bin needs to go out, and he still needs to pop to the shop for bread and milk. I know he doesn’t do it on purpose, but it’s honestly infuriating sometimes.
I actually lost my temper with him this past weekend about a similar issue. He doesn’t seem to grasp that when we have multiple kids, at different ages, we can’t do things spur of the moment. I’ll be waiting for him to get up on Saturday afternoon so he can take care of the kids’ needs while I get on with other things; only for him to decide he needs to go food shopping. Which leaves me unable to complete the tasks in the allotted time left in the day. If he’d said the night before, I could have fitted the tasks in throughout the morning; if it had been planned in advance I could have done some of the tasks in the days prior.
I know it may sound silly, but it is hard to focus on a task and keep an eye on the kids. Heck, it once took an hour for me to reply to a simple text message; I’d type a work a suddenly something would happen and I’d have to put the phone done. Image applying that to hanging up the washing, filming a video, writing an article. I couldn’t possibly do anything involving being on a live feed.
Not being able to complete these tasks wreaks havoc with my mental well being. This is why establishing a routine is essential. I have a master to-do list that I portion out over the week, we have our meals planned out and my partner and I are now on the same page when it comes to the older kids’ schedule.
Hopefully, I can get back the seemingly frivolous stuff soon.