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A Decade of Disappointment

I’m tired of feeling stuck. Like a hamster on a wheel, no matter how fast I run I’m still getting nowhere. Excluding becoming a parent, nothing much has changed in my life for the past decade; and I’m so over it.

Debt Demons

Let’s address the elephant in the room. I’m in debt… heck, I’m in a crap load of debt. And, yes, it sucks. It sucks that no matter how hard I try to run down the debt there’s always something lurking around the corner to put me back where I started. It sucks that for the past 5 years almost all of my “disposable” income has gone to paying off debt.

Every little moment of frivolity, whether I pay cash or credit, is coated with guilt. How I shop now is a far cry from how I used to shop. I buy fewer items, less often. I still shouldn’t have bought any of it because until the debt is cleared I should be living like a minimalist puritan, right?

Career Moves

To be honest, I’m actually ok with the fact my MUA career didn’t take off because I would have been up the creek this past year. But I hate the fact that even if I worked full time at my current position, my income would be less than what I get now with working part-time and being on benefits.

I know the current situation is going to pan out like the 2007 recession. No one is going to be hiring, so I can’t change jobs. And there will be a surge of people looking to re-train, so getting into college is going to be a battle royale.

My other option is to double down on the skills I have. To actually finish my writings and publish them. Use my sales experience and set up some form of eCommerce. There are few avenues open to me, but I need to knuckle down.

Move On

I’ve spent too long trying to make fetch happen. Being a Full-time Blogger, a Full-time Youtuber or a MUA; it’s just not going to happen. I will never earn enough to balance the effort that would go in to these careers. I don’t have the time or the energy and, quite frankly, I just don’t care anymore. Yes, I will still post videos and blog posts, but solely for fun.

As I’ve mentioned, pursuing these avenues have just left me spinning in circles. It’s been taking time away from other areas, like writing and self-care. Ultimately, I haven’t been happy about content creation for a long time. Even when I would take breaks and come back, it just wasn’t working for me. While I still have lots of ideas and content to share, I’m less concerned about presenting it with the professional perfectionism that would often hold me back before.

I know I only have myself to blame for the situation that I’m in; I honestly thought that if I just kept plugging away that something would come of it. But I lack the drive and consistency to succeed. Now it is time for change.

My money problems are simple yet also complex and my biggest source of stress, so I don’t need negativity in any other areas in my life. But I don’t want it to define me and dominate my decisions. Yes, it’s a challenge but it won’t last forever and I need to start making moves while I can. And in the midst of all the chaos in the world right now, it’s the perfect time to start something new.